Christmas Cupid Wannabe
by timeslayer
Summary: Totally random one shot I came up with a couple days ago. Some good old fashioned Christmas fun with some of our favourite characters.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bleach.

Okay this is a completely random Christmas one shot that I got the idea for a couple of days ago. I'm sorry if it's a little awkward but it's my first time writing something from a first-person perspective. It's not meant to be a masterpiece though. Just some silly Christmas Bleachy fun. So if that's all you get from it then my mission is a success. :) Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Cupid Wannabe

Rukia really is one in a million. She changed my life. From the day we met as children, I went from being an obnoxious, loud mouthed, irritating little brat to being on the path that made me the man I am today.

What the hell do you mean 'What's the difference?"

Sigh…whatever. But it was just me and the guys before she came along. A lone girl in the middle of a group full of immature, lonely boys. But you'd hardly ever notice the difference. She could kick ass almost better than the best of us. Not that she ever successfully kicked mine mind you. He I've been taller than her since we met. She stopped growing a few hundred years before I did. She's never been able to take me.

Not physically anyway.

Do I love her? Without question. It was her determination to get out of that depressing Rukongai, even after all our friends had died, that made me become a shinigami in the first place. Her will to survive was a thing of beauty and she never shone more than when she was fighting her way up the shinigami ladder or taking a swipe at me for good measure. But then she was adopted into the Kuchiki family and almost immediately that shine disappeared. I know what her brother's like. He is my captain after all. Cold, dominant, powerful, and painful for anyone with a heart to watch. For years, Rukia seemed bland, almost lifeless. The shinigami title she'd fought so hard for became just a duty, something to be done so she could please her brother, my captain. I'll tell you, captain or not, there's been several times I wanted to punch that son of a bitch right in his stoic face and make him regret ever taking the shine out of my Rukia's eyes. I'd make him drop to his knees in front of her, make him tell her how proud he was of her, make him grovel for forgiveness and even then that wouldn't stop me from getting out the hot oil and….

But I digress.

The point I was trying to make before getting distracted (heh heh hot oil) was that, ever since she started living with the man I both hated and admired more than anything else; she just didn't seem like Rukia.

Until she met **him**.

Now I admit I was not the nicest guy to Ichigo when we first met. Trying to kill him and all, I'm sure that put a strain on any friendship we might have cultivated. And seeing the way they looked at each other well, I'm just a man after all. I hated him for it. If Zabimaru had sliced a little deeper then well, I don't think I would have minded. I thought she was blind and just plain crazy; falling in love with a Ryoka! Pfft! I would never make a mistake so huge. And I didn't. I made a bigger one. I almost let the one person in this world I loved die for my duty as a shinigami. A duty I never would have had if it wasn't for her. And it took Ichigo risking his life, hell, his soul to save her. So maybe she wasn't so crazy for loving a Ryoka after all. He certainly loved her. More than I thought I ever could. So I decided to step back. Their love for each other crossed two worlds, life and death, how could I compete with that? Besides, as long as Rukia was happy, I could be just as happy for her.

But she's not happy. Neither is Ichigo. They're actually more irritable and annoying now than either of them has ever been. Why is that you ask?

Because neither of the idiots will admit they love each other!

He looks at her, she looks away. She looks at him, he looks away. Both with faces so red it's shameful! But they're so damn stubborn as to take all the fun out of it! Neither of them will be happy until they're rolling around in some hay, naked as they day they were born.

Oh sorry. Too much information right?

Ahem. Back to the issue at hand. Rukia loves Ichigo. Ichigo loves Rukia. Neither one will say anything. But that's okay. Actions speak louder than words after all. And my actions speak louder than my words as does my invincible and brilliant plan to get them together! Ha!

You're thinking maybe I shouldn't interfere? That I should let nature take its own course?

Bah to hell with you! I have to do something! It's my duty as her friend and as a man! Besides, Rukia changed my life. It's only fair that I return the favour.

BLEACH

This is very frustrating. My last plan to get Ichigo and Rukia together failed miserably. I thought asking Orihime for help was a great plan. She offered to make them a picnic lunch and then I would get the two of them to the park at the same time under the pretense of hanging out. Then Orihime would call with an emergency for me and I would take off, insisting that they finish off and have a good time. Well, my part had gone off without a hitch. And Orihime had called at the right time and everything. Come to think of it though, I should have sampled some of Orihime's cooking before letting Ichigo and Rukia have at it. Who would have thought that Ichigo was allergic to curried jell-o?

But that's okay. I learned my lesson. This time will work for sure. Mainly due to the fact that I have Orihime working on the decorations and staying at least 100 feet away from the kitchen at all times. No really, I got a restraining order and everything. It's the only way Ichigo would come tonight. Turns out he's even more allergic to chocolate covered squid rice balls.

What about tonight? Oh yeah, Rukia kept going on about this Christmas thing they have in the real world. I seem to remember something about it vaguely but she filled me in. People get together all dressed up, have parties, eat turkey, drink eggnog, give presents and kiss under mistletoe. You can probably see where I'm going here. Seems simple I know but Ichigo will fall for it for sure. He can be pretty damn stupid sometimes. Not to mention loud and reckless. Rukia is always saying we're a lot alike but I just don't get where she's getting it from.

Speaking of Rukia, she might not fall for it but that's what the eggnog is for. Her small stature isn't just for looks. The kid's a real lightweight. I can't tell you how many times she lost drinking games back in the academy. Especially going against that Matsumodo. Of course she probably keeps all that alcohol in her chest. Rukia hardly has that advantage.

"Renji-kun! Could you help me for a minute please! The other's are going to be here any time and I can't get this star up!" Orihime's sweet as cavity inducing sugar voice came from the far side of the room.

"Sure Orihime I…oh. Um…don't know quite how to say this but aren't you missing something?" Oh you have got to be kidding me. She decorated just the bottom half of the tree?

"Well I couldn't reach that high up and considering we're throwing this party mostly for Kuchiki-chan anyway because you said she loved Christmas so much, I didn't think that decorating that high up would be necessary." She had a completely innocent and bemused look on her face.

If it were physically possible to see a sweat drop there would be a huge one falling from my head right now. But I have to admit. It was pretty damn funny. So I put the star on top of the tree and turned it on. Three feet of the bottom came alive with twinkling lights and the star on top shone enough to blast away the darkest day. Of course it was separated by another three feet of dark green nothing but if that was the worst thing to happen tonight I'd take it.

"Beautiful! So is that it for decorations?" Orihime chirped at me.

I looked around. It sure seems like it. Icicle lights, x-mas tree, fake snow on the windows, stockings hung on the mantle, cinnamon scented candles mingling with the scent of burning shortbread cookies…burning shortbread cookies?

"Ishida! What the hell are you doing in there?" I'd never moved so fast into a kitchen before. Those bratty kids were already calling me the x-mas cupid freeloader, Urahara would kill me if I burnt the place down too! I almost fell (Orihime had insisted the floor be waxed twice to make it nice and shiny for the guests, hey maybe that's why she's such a horrible cook. Too distracted by her own shiny and slippery as ice floors) but being a man of extremely impressive reflexes I skidded to a halt in front of Ishida who stood before me with a black face and tray of equally black…pieces of coal really, what I saw couldn't count as cookies.

"The cookies are done."

"Yippee. Hey Urahara you got any Advil?"

"It's in the right cupboard Mr. Freeloader." An annoyingly sing-song voice yelled from upstairs. What did I do to deserve this? All I want is to interfere with my two best friends romantically. Is that so wrong?

"Renji-kun! Hitsugaya-Taichou and Hinamori-chan are here!"

Heh. Now there's a 'couple who aren't a couple' even more pathetic than Ichigo and Rukia. And that's saying something. Hitsugaya-Taichou has always had a thing for Hinamori and you know she digs 'ol whitey's fashionable hair cut. Among other things. I don't quite get why though. I respect Hitsugaya-Taichou a lot but the kid's too damn serious for his own good.

I leaned out the kitchen door and greeted them warmly. "Merry Christmas guys!"

"Merry Christmas Renji!" Hinamori cheered back.

"Abarai, you are aware there's a large plume of black smoke coming out of the kitchen above your head." Hitsugaya said with his usual trademark, deadpanned expression.

What did I tell you? Too damn serious. No wonder he had white hair at such a young age.

"Heh heh. No worries. Ishida is just having a little too much fun in the kitchen. I've got it sorted." I ducked back into the kitchen as another knock was heard on the door. I heard Orihime go to answer it with Hinamori.

"Are Ichigo and Rukia here yet?" Ishida asked me as he was cleaning the soot off his glasses.

"No. I thought I told you that Sado would be bringing them a little later."

"Ah that's right. What are we going to do about the cookies?"

"We? Who said anything about we? You burned them four eyes you go to the store and get more!"

"Really Renji-san. You need to stop worrying so much about Ichigo and Rukia and lighten up a bit. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time."

"Ishida…"

"Yes?"

"NOW!" Sigh…where was that Advil again? I could hear the noise level growing steadily beyond the kitchen door. Quite a few people had shown up. I grabbed the unburned refreshments (unburned only because they didn't have to be cooked. Honestly, Ichigo's friends were more useless than Martha Stewart after too much egg nog) and headed into the living area.

"Yoo hoo Renji! You did a beautiful job on the decorations. They really are beautiful, like Christmas. I've always loved snow. It really brings out the colour of my eyes."

"So glad you approve Yumichika. Pretzel?" Where was Orihime? She was supposed to be helping me with this.

"Oi Renji! So when are the 'guests of honour' going to get here?" Shuuhei yelled from behind me.

"Soon, soon. Here." I said shoving a bowl of Cheez-its at him. "Make the rounds will ya?"

"Do I look like a waiter to you?" He asked with a sour look.

"Do I look like a man of infinite patience to you?" I said back just as sourly. He snorted and stalked off into the crowd.

"Renji-kun!" Was that Orihime? Oh thank God.

"Orihime where have you been? Ishida's gone to get more cookies and I've got my hands full…."

"Renji-kun this is bad! I was just showing Tatsuki-chan all my wonderful decorations and she asked where the mistletoe was."

"What do you mean…" Oh crap. I looked to the now noticeably bare doorway. "We forgot the mistletoe!"

"It's alright guys geez! I'll take Orihime out and we'll get some alright? There's still time before the stores close." Tatsuki came up with a friendly arm around the frantically worried Orihime.

"Tatsuki I take back everything I ever said about you. You're awesome!" I probably should have thought that sentence through a little better.

"What the hell did you say about me?" got quieter as Orihime led her best friend quickly towards the door.

"Now that was a close one Abarai."

"Kyouraku-Taichou! I didn't see you there." Oh Lord. He would be the one to hear my stupid remark to a girl. I'll never get rid of him now. "Uh heh heh yeah that was a close one. Guess I'm too wrapped up in this party thing to pay attention to what I'm saying. I'll have to be more careful." I said trying desperately to make my way casually back to the kitchen. He just smiled and followed me. Crap.

"You know Abarai, with women you have to be quite careful. They don't take to jokes too lightly. Unless of course we're talking about my Nanao-chan."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." An annoyed voice said from behind him. "Spirit of Christmas and all that."

"Ah Nanao-chan! There you are! I was beginning to think I'd never find you with all these people here."

"That was my hope too Taichou." She sighed and I laughed.

"Okay well you two have fun. Oh here. Have some drinks. I'm going to go check on the…um…cookies! Back in a flash." The kitchen door has never seemed so far away. Why do I put myself through this? Running to the door now, handle…almost…within…reach…

"Renji! The place looks great! I especially love the tree! Very Avant Garde! Good egg nog too!" That would be Matsumodo. Damn. I was so close too.

"Ha ha Matsumodo glad you're enjoying…the hell?" Her eyes had a distinctly reddish tint to them and I could swear I could see little bubbles popping over her head. "You just got here! How much egg nog have you had?"

"Not much! Only three glasses! Honestly Renji is this a party or what?" If she lurched any more forward she was going to pop right out of that low cut dress.

"You lush. Save some for the rest of the guests huh?"

"I'm just drinking mine and Taichou's share." She leaned in and whispered, "He's too young for alcohol you know."

Have to fight urge to laugh. Situation serious. Must not laugh. Ahem…

"Hitsugaya-Taichou is right over there. Why don't you go tell him yourself?" I pointed to where Hinamori was trying to get Hitsugaya-Taichou up from the corner he had plunked himself down in.

"Good idea! Taichou!" Matsumodo ran (or rather lurched) to the spot that Hitsugaya-Taichou had just a split second before vacated having seen her coming.

I finally made it into the kitchen. Peace and quiet at last. This is turning out to be a lot more work than I was counting on. Seriously. I have the greatest ideas. I just have to do something about the help.

"Renji-kun! We're back!" Oh please say they got some mistletoe.

"Ta da!" Tatsuki held up a large bundle of the little plant. "Where do you want it!"

I think I'd been holding my breath cuz it just came out in the largest sigh ever. Tatsuki looked at me shocked with an eyebrow raised. "If you'd let out any more air Abarai-san I think you would have deflated."

"Oh ha ha. Just hang it right on the doorway coming into the room. I'll make sure Ichigo and Rukia stop there to take off their coats and stuff and then we get to make them kiss." At last something was going right.

Tatsuki dragged Orihime out the kitchen door to a chorus of "Ooooh mistletoe!" And then several yells as everyone was trying to push everyone else underneath it. So glad I'm in here at the moment.

"Is my house still standing Mr. Freeloader?" Urahara said haughtily as he came downstairs.

"Not if Matsumodo has any more egg nog." I never did make it to that Advil did I?

"Oh dear that could be a problem. Youruichi is in there drinking egg nog as well. I'd better go make sure they aren't hanging from the rafters. Aren't you coming? It is your party after all." And he went out the door. I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the overly waxed linoleum floor. This was turning out to be a bad idea. If only the two lovelorn idiots would hurry up and get here...

"Renji-kun! Sado-kun is here with Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki-chan!"

Dammit! Showtime! "Don't let them in until I get out there!" I dashed out of the kitchen into the great room full of my shinigami friends and superiors. They all knew they weren't here just for some Christmas party. They all wanted the two idiots to finally get over themselves and get together too. Even Hitsugaya-Taichou, even if he wouldn't admit it. Everyone went silent and looked at me. "Act casually guys but don't look like you're trying to act casually. I'm gonna go let them in."

The doorbell rang three times in a row. That would be Ichigo. Impatient as ever. "Don't get your knickers in a twist Ichigo I'm coming! Merry Christmas guys!" I said as I opened the door with a flourish.

"What the hell took you so long! It's friggin cold out here Renji and it's not as though there's a lot of meat on the midget here to keep her warm. Ouch!" Ichigo rubbed his head where Rukia had just hit him. She flashed me a bright smile and passed me through the door. I saw Ichigo glower at her but he smirked when he thought I wasn't looking. Those two were completely hopeless. I moved aside to allow Ichigo and Sado to pass. Sado shot me a knowing look before I closed the door.

"Hey guys hold up in the doorway for a minute. I'll take your coats." I called after them.

"Why can't you just take our coats here?" Ichigo asked obviously annoyed.

"Um…cuz Sado here is too big. There's not enough room in the hallway. Just go to the doorway to the main room and I'll get them from you there." Safe! I knew Sado's bulk would come in handy some day.

"Whatever. Oi Rukia! Gimme your coat. I'll meet you in the other room."

"NO! Uh…no! I'll take them both. You just both just stay in the doorway like I told you. I'm coming." Dammit. Why did Ichigo pick that moment to be a gentleman?

"Huh? What's the big deal Renji? You get into the egg nog a little early today? You seem really jumpy." Rukia snapped at me as she handed her coat to Ichigo anyway.

"Ah…no…me? Jumpy? Not really. I'm just anxious for the party to go well. It's my first time throwing one you know?"

"Well I'll let you know how it's going. You want some egg nog idiot?" Rukia threw an expectant look at Ichigo.

"That'd be good midget. Be there in a minute." The showed small smiles at each other's pet names.

If they weren't my best friends and if this wasn't my idea I would probably be vomiting right now. But no! Rukia's going into the other room without Ichigo! That's not how it was supposed to work! "Gimme those coats dammit! Don't let her go in there alone! It's not uh…very manly of you!"

"Are you sure you're alright Renji? You are acting weird." Ichigo said with an eyebrow raised.

Too late. Rukia was in the other room. I could hear the sighs of disappointment going through the crowd, along with Rukia's "I'm glad to see you guys too. Merry Christmas." My big dramatic entrance was ruined. All the planning and scheming I'd done. All finished by Ichigo picking this exact moment to play gentleman for the first time. I could feel myself getting angry and though, looking back on it I really should have thought what I did next through a little more, at the moment I just wanted Ichigo to be in the damn room with Rukia. I could work on getting them under the mistletoe together later. I dropped the coats on the floor and shoved Ichigo through the doorway. Being a rather strong guy, Ichigo quickly resisted my efforts to move him along and we both came to a stop just under…

"Hey Ichigo and Renji are standing under the mistletoe!" Yumichika's voice hailed from somewhere in the back of the room. The entire room fell silent as all eyes fell first on Ichigo and I fighting and then to the large romance inducing plant directly above our heads. I froze in my tracks and so did Ichigo. His eyes went wide as he looked above us and then back to me.

"Well there you go idiot. You're perfect match on Christmas eve." Rukia said barely concealing laughter. Behind her, Orihime's hands were over her mouth in shock. Everyone else just stared.

"Rukia…" Ichigo was almost begging her not to press the issue and I wasn't going to blame him. I'd be doing the same thing if my mouth would work around my frantic brain.

"Never mind. It's a law you know. You end up under mistletoe and you have to kiss. It's the spirit that counts and I know that since you put so much effort into this party Renji that you wouldn't want to ruin the spirit of Christmas right?" She looked at me like a rat caught in a trap. I sure felt like one.

"Kiss him!" Matsumodo slurred from where she was hanging off an equally inebriated Youruichi. Youruichi just smiled and said,

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" The chant was taken up by every other voice in the room. I had let go of Ichigo rather quickly at that point and backed away several steps. He would have done the same if he weren't already backed against the door jamb.

"What the hell are you fools talking about? No freaking way!" Ichigo's face was almost as red as I knew mine was. And the chanting continued. This is definitely not my night.

I don't know how long we stood there absolutely refusing to move when Rukia shook her head and yelled,

"Alright that's enough. We'd better stop before these two have coronaries."

"But they're under mistletoe! You said it yourself Rukia-chan it's the law! I wanna see some kissing!" Matsumodo yelled from her precarious position hanging off of Youruichi.

Rukia sighed. "Fine. You want a kiss?" She stalked purposefully over to where I was standing. I began to back away more as I thought she was going to try and drag me over to Ichigo but she stopped in front of me, yanked on my shirt to bring me down to her level (spine cracking I tell you) and kissed me on the cheek! She let go and turned one her heel to go over to Ichigo whose eyes were even wider than I've ever seen them at that point. But she was interrupted by Ishida who had just then come back with about four bags of cookies.

"Um sorry Kuchiki-san but I believe the tradition states that the aforementioned kiss should be on the lips." He said with a smug look. I looked at him but he just smiled. Way to go Ishida! Burning of cookies totally forgiven!

Rukia shot him a dangerous look and Ichigo's face could not have gotten any redder. The crowd had fallen completely silent, waiting to see what she would do. She looked at Ichigo and shrugged. "Shinigami's are supposed to uphold the law after all." And before anyone could even react, she grabbed Ichigo and planted one right on him! A collective gasp went around the room. Ichigo went very stiff for about two seconds and then his arms wrapped themselves around Rukia and lifted her off the floor so she was more at his level. And still they didn't let each other go. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?

I don't know who started the catcalls and cheering but the whole room suddenly erupted into applause. Rukia abruptly pulled away, leaving Ichigo looking rather shell shocked. She turned towards the group and actually bowed! "Told you you'd get your kiss Rangiku. Now where's that egg nog?" And she took off into the crowd without another word.

"That's it?" I couldn't stop myself from saying. I looked at Ichigo who, all things considered, recovered quite quickly and shrugged at me.

"What the hell were you expecting Renji? She just did us a huge favour. I mean, you know I love ya big guy but kissing you wouldn't have exactly decked my halls if you know what I mean." And he walked off, presumably to find Rukia and get his egg nog.

"Um…did it work?" Urahara stepped up beside me and whispered.

"Does it look like it worked to you?" I snapped back. "They looked totally unaffected by it and it was a hot kiss!" I crossed my arms and glared at nothing. It wasn't possible. Was I wrong? Were they really just good friends and nothing more?

"Hey it's snowing!" Hitsugaya-Taichou jumped up and practically raced to the window. Everyone quickly followed suit. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Leave it to the child come Taichou to be excited by something as simple as snow falling. It does look pretty though. I guess I can forget about Rukia and Ichigo for now and try to enjoy the rest of the party. If they're really meant for each other I guess it'll happen in its own time.

"Egg nog?" A glass suddenly appeared in front of my face held up by a smiling Rukia.

"Huh? Thanks Rukia."

"Why so glum? Go watch the snow. It's good for the soul."

"Wow that was so funny midget I forgot to laugh." Ichigo smirked as he came up beside her.

"Aren't you guys coming?" I stopped after taking a couple steps and looked at them.

"What the heck for? It's just snow." Rukia shrugged. I laughed. She really is something else. So me and my eggnog walked over to the window with everyone else. Matsumodo suddenly raised her sixth full glass over her head.

"To snow! And to Renji for failing and succeeding all in one night! Kampai!" Everyone cheered. I just smiled. I guess the night wasn't a total disaster after all.

BLEACH

"Do you think we gave it away?" Ichigo whispered to Rukia as he quickly kissed her neck. They stood by the doorway completely ignored by everyone else still watching the snow fall from the window.

"Come on. I'm a much better actor than that. Nobody suspects a thing. I do feel kind of bad for Renji though. He tried so hard." Rukia grinned sadly at her friend. "Maybe we should just tell him."

"What? And spoil all his fun? Tell you what…we'll tell him on New Year's Eve when he pulls the next great stunt to try to hook us up."

"You're mean." Rukia snapped but she was smiling as she did.

"And you love it." Ichigo grabbed her and spun her through the open doorway where, away from any prying eyes, he kissed her passionately. "Merry Christmas midget."

"You too idiot."


End file.
